My Testimony.
My first sexual experience was with another male. We attended the same high school.
I really don’t know how we ended up having sexual experiences together? It went on for a few months.
After this I only had sexual relationships with females through to my marriage to my wife. As the internet ‘boomed’ in the early 2000’s I became a heavy user of pornography. Primarily porn involving male: female sex with some male: male pornography. Marriage didn’t cure me of my same-sex interest. In my 30’s I resumed sexual relationships with males.
I hit rock bottom in my early 40’s. The lies, deceit, alcohol use, cigarette consumption, long hours at work and a failed marriage (no surprise there) left me an emotional wreck.
Only when I was ready to acknowledge that my life was a mess was I ready to look for answers and support. I decided to visit a large local church. I thought I would be safer in a large church. Unrecognizable and out of sight from others. It was on the 3rd visit while sitting down in the church auditorium I began to cry. I tried to cover my eyes. It must have worked as I was left alone. It was the 4th visit when I cried and cried. It was noticed by someone who asked if I was alright at the end of the service. I was a mess, unable to stop the tears. It was God working in me. I felt all this guilt, rejection, and shame, an intensive amount of shame that I can’t fully describe. I said to the person who asked if I was ok that ‘I need God, I want to be a Christian…’ We walked up to the front of the church and I said to the Pastor that I want to be a Christian. He lead me in a prayer of confession. All my sins, all my sexual activity, alcohol use, all my anger and rejection… They literally fell off me. I felt clean and free. I felt love. A love that I also can’t fully describe except to say that there was no shame and no condemnation.
How could God, who I had always thought of as being ‘a punisher’ cleanse me? How could He take all this shame, rejection, hurt, addictions and cleanse me?
The answer is found in God’s Word for us. The bible provides an understanding of God’s love for us. It is a manual script. A message on how to live, how to behave, how to enjoy life and how to walk a Christian lifestyle when we ask God into our life as our Lord and Saviour.
How do I know that God cares for me? Look at my past, it is undeserving of forgiveness. The answer is found in the bible. There are a number of bible verses that show God’s unconditional love. Some of my favourite verses are below:
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. (Psalm 139:13,14)
God made me. He designed me. I am not a mistake. God was aware of me when I was growing in my mother’s womb. God’s works are wonderful, look at the beauty that exists in nature and around us. I am one of His works. You are one of His works.
7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. (James 4:7)
God tells us that when we must submit ourselves to God. Then resist the devil that the devil will flee from us. Why is this verse important to me and you? How do we beat temptation? How do we get rid of the desires to view pornography, to have sex outside of marriage and how can someone such as myself be set free from an interest in same sex relationships? We simply have to submit ourselves to God’s will. We have a free will. If we decide that sexual immorality is wrong. That we are not going to live like this again, then we have submitted ourselves to God’s will. In turn this means we can resist the devil who interesting enough is also known as ‘the tempter’ and the devil will flee from us.
13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. (I Corinthian 10:13)
The verse above is one of my favourite verses in the bible. It tells us that all our temptations are what others previously have experienced and what people now face on a daily basis around the world. Everything that we have been tempted with is listed in the bible. There is nothing new. What you have done or been tempted to do; those in the bible such as King David, Samson and others have done. Their sins and forgiveness are recorded in the bible. Imagine having your sexual sins recorded in the bible for billions of people to read about? God knows we will be tempted. Nothing surprises God. We are all tempted sexually, we are all tempted to get drunk, we are all tempted to cheat to get ahead at work and succeed financially. But God knows that we can say ‘no’ to these temptations. Furthermore, God will provide a way out for us when we are tempted. This verse promises us that God will look after us and help us beat our temptations. All we have to do is ask.
I took me a few years to understand this verse. I have been a Christian for 7 years. I have made mistakes. I have had to confess and ask for forgiveness when I come to my senses after making the (many and repeated) mistakes. But now when I am tempted I ask God to help me out. I talk to God and quote that ‘You promised to help me get out of this situation.’ In all honesty I have prayed at times to go to sleep quickly at night time because sometimes I am tempted to view pornography in bed. God has faithfully helped me fall asleep quickly. The temptation (obviously) ceases to exist when I am asleep.
If you would like to know God as your Lord and Saviour but you think that God won’t welcome you or that you have made too many mistakes and are unlovable or incapable of being forgiven, then please reread Psalm 139:13,14.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. (Psalm 139:13,14)
God made you. You were made for a purpose. God has a plan for your life. You are loved, you are not a mistake. Your previous mistakes do not define you. God defines you. God wants a relationship with you. I have gone from living the life of a sexual deviant to a man who has a Christian faith and is confident in God’s love and care. If you would like to know more about how to change your sexual lifestyle, how to overcome temptations or known more about God’s love for you, please contact us via this link.
Your questions are confidential. We will never share your story or identity with anyone.
Anon – nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:39)
