An Emotional Affair Quickly Leads To A Sexual Affair.
Studies have found that an estimated 20-25% of American men cheat. And that 10-15% of American woman cheat.
I believe that none of marries the one we love with the intent of cheating on them. How then do we get to the place where we are willing to have an affair? I am reading a book on why people have affairs (from a Christian perspective.) It provides some answers the question ‘how do we get to the point where we are willing to cheat on our spouse?’
Affairs start with an emotional attachment with someone other than your wife. We know how the emotional affair begins. For various varies reasons we start to spend less time with our wife (work, gym, community involvement, sports.) As we slowly begin to spend less time with our ‘beloved wife’ we begin to quietly spend time with someone else close to use. Slowly we begin to allow this other person to provide support emotionally through personal discussions. The next step is a physical relationship. This person is typically someone in our network of friends, colleagues, or social groups.
Throw into this mix the use of pornography and it is easy to look for affection outside of one’s marriage. This cocktail of an emotional affair and porn use creates a situation that is not ‘real.’ The emotions are elevated and are not based on how rational people live in a relationship.
I vividly remember being in this place in my marriage. It is a dangerous place for a marriage. It is when men notice little things about other women. I begin to talk to other woman in a way that showed some vulnerability on my behalf. It was an attempt to form an emotional attachment with someone.
When you are looking for an emotional attachment it is easy to pay more attention to someone else at work, the gym or other place where you frequently visit. A casual conversation here and there leads to more in-depth discussions. An emotional attachment begins to form. Both parties look forward to opportunities to talk to each other. You will create opportunities to meet and spend time together. Once an emotional bond is formed it is easy to physically touch each other in nonsexual ways. Touch reinforces the emotional bond. From here if one or both parties don’t come to their senses it is easy to move to a sexual affair.
The trick is to ensure that your emotional needs are met by your spouse. You need to prioritise this relationship. At all costs avoid the need to build an emotional bond with another person. Choose to spend more time with your wife. Even when your marriage goes through a bad period. Make her a cup of tea or coffee every morning. Tell her you love her. Prove to her that you love her. That when you said ‘to death do us part’ that you were being 100% honest. Buy her flowers, take her out for coffee. Go for walks together. Vacuum the carpet and clean the house. Talk to your wife. Support her emotionally and allow her to support you emotionally. Talk to her about her day. Watch a ‘chick’ flick together. Do something for especially for her every day so that she knows that she ‘is the one.’ Rebuild the emotional connection. Be open to her about your fears and concerns. Anything that you would want a woman to know about you needs to be shared with your wife. Remember the good times. Live to experience more goodness in your marriage.
Focus on what is good about the marriage and look at how to improve the marriage.
At all times avoid using pornography. Pornography is not based on real relationships. The way people and sex are portrayed will distort reality and reinforce the urge for a relationship outside of marriage.
Having an affair and leaving your wife for the other woman creates a relationship that is built on mistrust. If she was sexually active with you when she knew that you were married, how can you trust her to be faithful? What is stopping her from cheating on you in the future? How do you know that you won’t yet again?
King Solomon wrote “Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes“ (Proverbs 6:25.)
Solomon knew that we need reminding to stay true to our wives. Solomon tells us to look away when you lust after someone who is not your wife. Equally important Solomon recognizes that flirting can originate from the woman. When someone who is not your wife flirts with you Solomon tells us not to lust after her.
Infidelity and pornography will destroy your marriage. If you need or want to talk to someone about your marriage, we are here to help. The ambulance officer at the top of the cliff has a good chance of helping someone avoid a serious injury. Likewise, it is also better to talk to someone before you have an affair. I wish I had. If you have been unfaithful, remember God wants to restore your relationship with Him and if possible, save your marriage. A good place to start is to contact us for prayer and guidance. We can be contacted on this link.
Yours in Christ
By JS
