Alone on my birthday….. I know the consequences!
I’m writing this piece on my birthday. I’m at home. Alone in the evening. It’s a Monday. I was going to invite some friends out for dinner. But Monday is when restaurants are closed.
My children are living with their mum. We are divorced and share custody. I can’t see my children on my birthday because ‘it’s not my day’.
My marriage ended for a number of reasons. Because I am an adulterer (former adulterer to be honest but it’s a difficult title to get rid of) it is not easy to find someone to date. And I understand that no woman wants to date someone who cheated on his first wife. I wouldn’t want my daughter to date someone who was an adulterer.
I ‘normalized’ adultery by watching porn online. Online sex with no emotions attached (or consequences) started to numb my feelings towards my then wife and my attitude towards sex. I bought into the lie that sex is for pleasure and is freely available. That I wouldn’t get caught if I covered my tracks.
I have missed a number of children’s milestones. If it’s not my turn to have our children, then (obviously) I don’t see the events happen.
All these are called ‘consequences.’ There are consequences to most things in life. If we work hard in our employment, we will be rewarded by our boss. If we don’t train at our sports practice the coach will put us on the reserves bench. If you choose to cheat on your spouse, watch pornography or engage in any number of sexual activities outside of marriage then the consequences are serious and life changing. In my case the consequences resulted in a divorce, shared custody, missed milestones, missed opportunities for input into their lives and I have missed being there with them on their birthdays.
These consequences are not unique to my situation. We all know people who are divorced and share custody with their ex-spouse. Ask them what it’s like and I can guarantee they feel the same way as me.
One of the earliest examples of a family torn apart by adultery is found in the Old Testament. King David seduced another man’s wife; she conceived a child to David. To try and cover his mistakes he had her husband brought back from the war zone where he was fighting the enemy. The husband did not sleep with his wife when he was back home. When he returned to the war King David’s orders where to have the man sent to an area where he was likely to be killed. This loyal soldier died in the war because King David slept with his wife, and she became pregnant. Rather than ‘man up’ and admit his behaviour David had him killed. 2 Samuel 11.
King David is confronted by the Prophet Nathan (2 Samuel 12) about his adultery and murder. One of the consequences given to David through Nathan was that calamity would fall upon David’s family. One of the greatest kings in history who conquered kingdom after kingdom was from then on unable to live in complete peace because some of his children would conspire against him and their siblings.
Embattled homes where the family is torn apart due to adultery and other sexual sins is, I believe, the norm. I do not know any ‘happy’ families that live apart due to adultery.
If I had known that one of the consequences of adultery was an embattled family, I can honestly say I would have kept my pants on. If you are contemplating having an affair with a colleague or someone you know please reconsider your actions. Find someone to talk to. Talk to your spouse about seeing a relationship counselor. Do something to try and save your marriage. Adultery is a terrible way to end a marriage. The consequences are great, and you will experience it again and again.
If you would like to talk to us for advice or a listening ear, feel free to contact us. We are nonjudgmental and confidential.
From JS
(Having finished the first draft of this blog I decided to go to McDonalds for a coffee and dessert. My birthday celebration. Thankfully, it’s not my 50th.)
